Someone told me it would be a year of great disruption and unrest. She said it with a sense of acceptance and inevitability.

It was the first of January 2020, and I had never met her before. Naturally I completely ignored the forecast yet within months we could all see she had been right.
The prophecy, was true.

A few months ago, we met again. Just like in the café she was the one initiating the conversation.
I tried to figure out how we had met before, but neither one of us had any information that could help me fill in the blanks.
And she didn’t seem to recall meeting me at all.
But afterwards, I knew it.
It had been her, the one with the gift of foresight.

Knowing I saw her again initially brought me a sense of closure. A feeling I have been actively looking for, ever since 2022. 
For the longest time, I’ve been wanting to leave everything behind me. For everything to return to normal, because this is not Me.
This is not my life, and it never has been.

The breakdown started years prior to 2020. Just that I thought I could turn it around, and in particular at the start of 2020 I felt incredibly optimistic! 
But before the end of the year I had stopped teaching yoga and the only thing I thought about was why everything felt so horrible.

So horribly alone.

Fast forward Fall 2025, and here I am remembering I met this woman, twice. And connecting it to a decision I made, just last week. A decision that has been a long time in the making;
This is my new life and I have finally, stopped wishing for a new one.

Which does not mean I don’t have goals and dreams, and that I don’t look forward to the rest of my life.
I do! 

But I’ve stopped wishing for the feeling of belonging – which I miraculously had all my life regardless of its phase – to ever return.

Like all of us who have have lived in isolation, whether chosen as a spiritual practice or otherwise, there comes a point where we are no longer the person who we once were.
The change is now permanent.

Just that I never saw it coming.

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~Suzanne Beenackers
Catacombe
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