After 8 years of despair, anger and emotional isolation that seemed to last forever, I’ve finally come out the other side.
Fulfilled. Renewed. And for lack of a better word: Happy!
Intense, like the sun on your skin after eons of darkness.

And I am so grateful to be alive, yet at the same time I suspect my death also already happened.
Or maybe just my acquired personality?
That I am now the same person, as the child I once was.
Because it does feel vaguely familiar.

Death has become meaningless to me, but unfortunately so did many of the things I once valued.
My heart is no longer in it.

It’s like one of the first things I learned about running a business, that you had to go from working IN your business to ON, your business.
In much the same way I am no longer IN my life.
I’m outside looking in, or visiting.
Without any desire to be indoors.

The phase I’m in now is probably best described as “recalibration”!
A strange process of finding out what is still valuable or meaningful to me.

I also feel a strong mission to fill my life which as much good works and positive vibrations as I can.
And zero stress!
Stress would definitely be a sign of having ended up “inside” of life.
Where I can’t see or know, what’s actually going on.

My life carries so much more meaning now, its colors are so vibrant, its textures so rich.
And yet at the same time it’s empty and the isolation was final.

I would not wish this path upon anyone, and yet now that I am through it, its gifts are undeniable.
I am happy, free, and there is childlike joy and wonder, in the smallest things.

Now, here, after 8 years, I can see I was never taken out to learn a lesson or be delayed.
But to be saved.

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~Suzanne Beenackers
Catacombe
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That ONE Book is the book I always think I own, until I realize it has not been written yet. So in December 2025 I started writing it myself.
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