who else is on f- speed dial?
Proverbially speaking, since neither speed dial nor calling are a thing anymore.
Worst of all, in the majority of cases the “who” has become an It.
What app or website has the
– for-a-fact way too big –
honor of your daily and undivided attention?
—
Last summer I took the step of raising the bar in my friendships. Because even though I have never shied away from breaking up with friends, and regardless of how messy it got – in fact preventing the messiness of it, was my prime motive for opening the conversation when there was no drama – I had still not achieved a 100% alignment.
I only sent it to the friends who are not professionally tied to me, nor connected through family bonds.
So the letter did not go to all friends, but only to the ones who had the freedom to end our friendship, without there being any consequence or awkward situations arising in real life.
So I wrote this letter but since I was unable to formulate the higher principles – which I knew for a fact were the root cause of our seemingly irrelevant differences – I narrowed my desires down to pure execution.
Although there was obviously some exposition on why I wrote the letter, at its core were the specifics, of what I would be needing moving forward.
Or not moving forward, if they chose that.
In sexual and romantic relationships there is a new culture and custom on the rise, of being transparent in asking consent and managing expectations beforehand. Not after boundaries have been crossed and people have slept with each other where one thought it was exclusive and the other was going to gaslight their way out of any meaningful connection with “texts” that turned emoji-only in a cold heart-beat.
This new practice of two people rooting their romance in communication, and clearing up any grey areas where misunderstandings can create unsafety, originates from higher risk relationship styles such as polyamory, BDSM and D/s.
The final abbreviation stands for dominant submissive play, as hinted at in the movie Babygirl.
The new practice, where there is so much more thought put into the interaction and with way more communication than ever before, can also be found in the medical world and is described with two terms:
Embodied Consent
and
Informed Consent.
Embodied consent means that just someone giving their spoken consent is not enough, they also have to embody that they are okay with the suggested path or procedure.
With the concept of Embodied consent, ignoring a patient’s (or a partner’s) body language becomes just as big a deal as ignoring a No.
Informed Consent means that the other person has access to all information necessary in order to foresee the consequences of their choice.
Leaving out complications that 10% of patients will suffer after an operation is a violation of Informed Consent.
Not saying you will not want anything to do with them after you’ve had sex with them, is a violation of Informed Consent.
You forced your will by deliberately holding back information.
As is probably already obvious from the above paragraphs, I have given this topic of consent and deliberate interactions an incredible amount of thought.
And I have come out a Believer.
I believe that this carefully created safe space, the one most of us have only heard of, and that traditionally belongs in the riskiest of professional as well as sexual liaisons?
That this is not just the standard we should all aspire to;
But require.
And at the most basic and visceral level.
The great thing about this whole concept of consent, is that it is extremely actionable.
Just like with my friends, where I suspected difficulties in communication were expressions of more abstract things, like conflicting interests and different values, things I would not be able to address or word properly;
Consent brings the conversation to execution level.
Similarly, the letter to my friends also kept it simple.
In a way too long letter, I covered three areas.
How we got here.
What I could no longer offer, and why.
And I told them what our friendship would be like, if they chose to continue.
Although I understandably lost friends, it was overal far less dramatic than it would have been if I had kept it going to the point of collapse.
Collapse of me, them, and the friendship.
But the icing on the cake was that I got so many super cool letters from people whom I had not expected to hear from in such detail.
And several friendships have even gotten deeper and better since then.
So this is all half a year ago, and I considered it a private matter and “just” one of the many areas where 2024 was an important year.
Until today….
Because boy!
Talk about sweating the small stuff!!!!
My whole consent-boundaries-safe-space thing for friendships and for ALL other real life relationships as well?
That is nothing, compared to the time I spend online.
And the contrast between me attending to my most intimate relationships when at the same time holding the door open for the whole world to march in with their dirty feet, becomes even starker if I give you one of the key elements I said I could no longer deliver in friendships.
WhatsApp conversation.
Anyone who chose to be in a friendship with me, had to understand WhatsApp was going to be limited to a tool to set a date or schedule a telephone call.
That’s it.
Staying in touch through WhatsApp would no longer be on the menu, it was going to be calling or dating-only.
There was also another option if you needed help, so I definitely explained how I could be there for you in good times as well as the bad.
But I was aware that I took something off the menu, which was casual connection, that a lot of people valued and even needed.
So like I said, this all was months ago, and my friendships have never been better, and I didn’t think much of it.
Until today.
Because why on earth am I so demanding in my friendships when at the same time I still check news and social media every day, and binge on YouTube videos every time I can use some entertainment?
Even the word “casual” would be labeling my online behavior too positively.
I do have boundaries, in terms of the times when I am online (f.e. I do not sleep with my phone in the room) but otherwise the behavior itself, is not intentional at all.
I have supercool playlists with interesting videos, one even with the name “My TV channel”.
Meanwhile I just let myself be seduced by the YouTube algorithm. YouTube decides what’s on, not me.
With Social Media I am a little better for sure. And there really are people with whom I just love seeing their daily content, and I love knowing what they’re up to!
I’m genuinely so grateful they let me/ us into their lives!
Until today, where I thought:
“Wait a minute!”
How can anyone showing up online be more important than my true friends? If I continue my current behavior, then what I apparently basically wrote summer 2024, was:
“You cannot message me in between dates, but if you post to Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn or make a YouTube video (which is my favorite, hint!) then I will show up and be invested in you.”
Holy Christ……
I cannot believe it took me 6 months to figure this one out.
So invitation to you, Rock Star!
Where are you annoyed by group chats or people texting you, when at the same time you ALSO have notifications on from half a dozen apps?
Constantly refreshing pages so that you get to see a news headline within minutes after it has been added?
You sense something is overwhelming you when it’s people you know.
But at the same time you’re letting the world in, unchecked.
You’re saying to your friends/ family/ co-workers/ peers/ pets but also to your children and partner:
“I need you to respect my boundaries.
But here’s a gazillion people who have my undivided attention.”
The people you share your life, street, or city with, should always have a higher status than anyone and certainly than anything, you find online.
Cutting corners here (I know!) because a lot of great causes and activism are also depending on your willingness to show up online.
But you get me –
We must be mindful and intentional.
But think of it like this:
In the Netherlands, whether officially or just by custom I don’t know, you don’t have to answer work emails after office hours.
Similarly, regardless of where you live;
You don’t have to engage with the world in your free time.
YES!
You can dedicate a certain moment every day to stay updated and participate.
But the world should not be on fucking speed dial.
Instead use your engagement, your curiosity, talents and focus to think about how to create a wonderful, exciting, alluring, maybe even sexual, safe space for all those intimate, close by, soul-aligned people you have in your life.
Starting with the most important person;
You.
.
~Suzanne Beenackers
Catacombe
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